Your Astrological Week Ahead With...


Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Re-align your priorities, focus on career and streamline time-costly pursuits. Or just write 'suck this' in lipstick on your naked chest and run screaming through Waitrose like last week.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Be prepared to face some stark reality over your hopes, dreams and ambitions, as some of them may have to be let go. Well, all of them actually.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Right, for years you've been a busy psychologist but right now the only patient you have is some creepy little kid who insists that all he can see is dead people. Do I have to draw you a picture, shitwit?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
It's the little things that can cause a relationship to end and in your case the little thing is going to be the chlamydia virus.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your stars show that your first child will be a masculine child. So you might want to buy her some dungarees.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This is a good time of year for you as the heartbreaking disappointment of Valentine's Day has faded and the harrowing loneliness of Christmas is a long way off. Watching happy, good-looking couples walking hand in hand in the summer sunshine is no picnic, mind.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It's time to say goodbye to years of negativity and failure and go ahead and seize the positive. In case you don't know that's the brown wire.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You say no-one can resist your enigmatic charm, but everyone seems to find it incredibly easy to resist your astonishingly clumsy and obvious sexual approaches.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A central heating salesman from Knutsford will brush into you outside Blockbusters tomorrow and you will both apologise as you're not sure who was to blame. Fact.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Stop. Biting. People.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You like boats, but not the ocean. You go to a lake in the summer with your family up in the mountains. There's a long wooden dock and a boathouse with boards missing from the roof, and a place you used to crawl underneath to be alone. You love to read French poetry and sing opera. You're kind to strangers and children, and when you stand in the snow you look like an angel. No, not you, you fat idiot, the woman standing next to you.

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