Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Few people are in complete control of their professional lives but most are at least in control of their bladders. Perhaps you would like to borrow a towel?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Venus keeps your nose to the grindstone this week while Saturn flays your genitals with a makeshift whip made from seaweed.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The sad death of Bobby Robson caused a huge outpouring of public mourning, making you wonder who exactly would mark your passing. Here's a clue: It rhymes with 'robody'.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Jupiter has refused to leave your flat after the party ended three weeks ago. He's moved into your bedroom and has now started inviting large, terrifying tattooed guys around for spliff and White Lightning. It may be easier just to move out.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You will spend Saturday in detention with four relative strangers, each representing a different social group whom you instinctively dislike. Over the course of the day you will open up to each other and gradually come to realise that you share many of the same hopes, fears and insecurities, and that there is much more to each other than your respective stereotypes – except for Emilio Estevez, who really is just a prick.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Family are loving and supportive, money matters are improving and you finally feel you're back on track. I'm sorry, but I'm finding it really hard to stop myself from laughing.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Birds do it. Bees Do it. Even educated fleas do it. Which makes your inability to form meaningful relationships all the more pathetic and inexcusable, wouldn't you say?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Look, every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance. Happy now?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
After charging through narrow cobbled streets, you emerge in a large sandy-floored arena where men on horses stick spears in your side as the spectators cheer, drink wine and eat delicious looking small snacks, before some other guy with a red cape starts to really wind you up. What the fuck is his problem?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Expect the unexpected this week. But don't expect it too much as then it will be expected and you won't be expecting it anymore. And then you'll be sorry.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The stars in your sign align in such a way this week that if you joined them up they would form a picture of Peter Kay being secretly videoed by the News of the World while making love to an Alsatian. How prescient.