Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Your medal for best kept garden in a local village competition is snatched away at the last moment after the police dig up your new patio and put one of those little tents over it. What are they looking for?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
There's a lot to be said for being selfless, generous and patient. It's just that I can't remember exactly what it is. Can you come back next week?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
He's never seen you looking so lovely as you do tonight, he's never seen you shine so bright. But he is still doing the nanny the second you go to Pilates.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Money, friends, and borrowing should never all be uttered in the same sentence. However, money, friends, and stealing is an entirely different matter.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
After watching your men being cruelly forced to build a strategically important railway bridge in Western Thailand by their Japanese captors you inexplicably prevent a group of your own commandos from blowing it up. However, you are then mortally wounded, and with your dying breath throw yourself onto the detonator bringing down the bridge just as the first train crosses. Do you really think that makes up for your earlier, treacherous stupidity? Piss off.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Isn't it about time you realised that berating people with quotes from Chuck Palahniuk novels and Michael Moore movies doesn't make you a wild-eyed truth assassin operating outside 'their' law? It merely makes you an annoying, juvenile twat. Pack it, the fuck, in.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Make others sit up and take notice of you, but for all the right reasons this time, not just the ice cube and hot coffee blow jobs.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Virgo assesses your application for a crisis loan quizzically this week, especially when you ask if the cheque can be made payable to Threshers.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
There is something specific you want this week but to get it you will have to go into one of those large glass fronted buildings, pick it up off the shelf, then take it to the nice smiling lady behind the desk who will put it in a bag for you and then 'debit' an amount of money from your account, depending on all the little numbers and stripes that are printed on the item.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The moon meets Venus in Cancer this week, they all go round to Jupiter's where they meet with Neptune and Saturn and all agree that Mercury is acting like a jumped-up little tit.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Whether you are trying to make progress at work, repairing a broken relationship or finally getting round to sorting out your battered finances, you are going to fuck it up like nothing has ever been fucked up before.