Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You rode a tank, held a general's rank, when the Blitzkreig raged and the bodies stank. But you still look like a big girl. And you dance like one too.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your bid to make studded butt plugs and ball-gags a basic human right are once again rejected by the European Court this week. Maybe it's time for a new legal team?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Things get progressively worse this week, then go downhill, then spiral out of control and ultimately end up with you crashing your bike into a pig.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
My, your colleagues have been busy during your week's holiday. Then again offal-stuffed effigies don't just make themselves, do they?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Barzini is dead. Phillip Tattallagia. Moe Green. Slacci and Cuneo, and all on the orders of your brother-in-law Michael. But if you admit what you did, and don't insult his intelligence by pretending to be innocent, he promises to let you go and there's no way he'll have you violently garrotted by Clemenza the second you get in your car. He seems a man of his word. Get talking!

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The sun's move into Virgo means its time to focus exclusively on virgins. Fat ones tend to be more grateful.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
So who did put the 'shoop' in the 'shoop-doo-wop-di-wop'? I think it was you and I would like you to remove it immediately.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
In 1982, you met Simon Groom at a village fete in Shenfield. Something else is due to happen to you in 2015. Could you please stop pestering me until then?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The highlight of your week is finding an excellent organic greengrocer that stocks outstanding locally-sourced greengages. You insufferable shitpump.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The recent opposition of Mercury to Uranus seems somewhat hypocritical, as he couldn't get his index finger out of it the last time I looked.