Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Those allegations of sexual misdemeanours just won't go away. Especially not if you keep committing sexual misdemeanours.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your campaign to install a bin next to your local bus shelter is finally successful. Perhaps now you'll have time to address the matter of your son's appalling crack habit.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Rosebud. It's not something he could not get, or something he lost. It's not a missing piece in a jigsaw puzzle. It's. Just. A. Fucking. Sledge.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then you are having sex with a duck. Yet again.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You will have a fleeting brush with fame this week when Jay Kay deals you a glancing blow with his speeding Porsche.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

The presence of the moon, Mercury, Venus and Jupiter in your sign this week gives it the appearance of a bruised scrotum.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Some of Virgo's qualities, excessive mucus production, gas and explosive pustules, may seem antithetical to a red-blooded Ram. But you have to put it somewhere, or you will burst.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Time to jettison any monkeys clinging to your back and make a run for it. Those ocelot cubs will fetch a fortune down the market on Sunday.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Millions lost their jobs with the invention of the combine harvester. So let's just hope somebody doesn't invent a tea-drinking machine that can click F5 constantly while on Facebook.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your 20-year dream relationship with your supermodel, Nobel prize-winning wife ends this week when your therapist finally makes you realise that it is, in fact, just a dream.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Christ, have you spoken to Jupiter recently? He was screaming your name down the phone and something about gaffer tape and a blowtorch. You'd better ring him sharpish.