Your Astrological Week Ahead With...
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Especially if there's a digital timer on it and it smells like marzipan.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
It's a week of sensuality, passion and fire after you come home early from golf to find a Dennis Rapier Rescue Pump parked outside the house and your wife going at it with half of Blue Watch.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
How many times do you have to be told? Do not put body parts in the blue recycling bin. That's for glass. Body parts go in the brown one with the juice cartons.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week the Moon in Leo will cause Mossad to steal your identity and use it to make a fake passport thereby implicating you in the assassination of a high-profile Palestinian terrorist in a five star Dubai hotel. Again.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You say that 'you've got soul but you're not a soldier'. I'm sorry but I don't know what that means. Are the two things connected in some way, or are you just saying it because you think it sounds good? Not to worry, there are still plenty of witless arseholes who'll think it's deep.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Sit down with your partner and ask them 'how is your life with me?' and 'how can I improve?'. Make sure you've got a comfortable spot and have already familiarised yourself with the terms 'emotional cripple' and 'sexually ungenerous premature ejaculater'.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A bad week for you as you're thrown out of your local wine appreciation society after demonstrating your theory that a glass of Chateau Petrus '92 tastes so much better with a splash of Vimto.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you are wrongly convicted of killing your wife and end up in a horrid prison full of dirty men who want to bum you all day and a warden who seems to be an intelligent, cultivated man like yourself but is in fact a dick. After he thwarts your bid for a new trial you stitch him up like a kipper and spoon your way through a six foot wall to sewage and freedom. And look, here comes Morgan Freeman to help you paint your boat.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week Mercury awards you the contract to build an extension to Saturn but what you've not told him is that you're going to use a load of Polish guys who are not paying national insurance and then pocket the difference.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The sun leaves your sign on the 19th, picks up a suitcase and heads to the slip-road of junction 14 on the M6 where it takes out a hand-written cardboard sign saying 'Bridgend'.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Play that funky music white boy. Or don't, it's entirely up to you.