Your Astrological Week Ahead With…

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
As you overtake the car in front of you that's been doing 38 for the last six miles you congratulate yourself on correctly predicting that it would either be an old person or a woman.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me. And it was really sore.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You call this a fucking omelette? Get the manager.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

There's a fresh, new, glad-to-be-alive feeling about you this week, which is a bit of shame as your funeral was last week and now no-one can hear you banging.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

This week boredom at work leads you to take up an invitation from a charismatic stranger to punch him very hard in the face. The two of you then team up to form an anarchist prankster militia while he spends every night making Helena Bonham Carter scream like a banshee. After deciding that it's all getting a bit out of hand you suddenly realise that he doesn't exist and that it's been you all along, but for some reason this still doesn't stop him (you) from shooting you in the cheek. Still, at least you manage to destroy capitalism, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

The haunting beauty of whales breaking the surface of the waves off the coast of Thailand will stay with you always. As will that nasty urinary infection. You and your ladyboys.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

If you're going on a long train journey, why not try and impress fellow passengers with how important you are by idly toying with an Excel spreadsheet with large sums of money in the columns? Just remember to scrape the egg stains off your Primark suit.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

It's been a testing period for you recently, but you have to admit, that DNA profiling is clever stuff. This time try 'diminished responsibility'.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

A night at the cinema featuring a three-hour made for Polish television bio-pic of Chopin, full of bad acting and shouting, preceded by a piano recital by an off-duty plumber you say? Count me in.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Your drive and creativity know no bounds and with your energy levels soaring it is becoming increasingly clear to everyone that you've stopped taking your medication again.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

You will reach the heights of sensual ecstasy this week as you finally work out the optimum time to microwave a pumpkin.