Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Bravery can take many forms – standing up for your beliefs, facing your greatest fear, putting your life on the line for a friend. But in your case it’s definitely that haircut.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Once in a while you have a great idea and this week it requires an army uniform, a bulldozer and George Galloway’s address.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Very few people scroll all the way down to the bottom of the Daily Mail website so you’re surprised to find it contains a large disclaimer saying: “Obviously everything above is pure horseshit”.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Although the trailer for the new Total Recall says it contains ‘one use of strong language’, you reckon you could probably manage about three dozen in the first half hour.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Maybe Tinie Tempah wouldn’t have got as far with his original stage name but ‘Narky Bastard’ does have a certain ring to it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You always loved the Sylvester The Cat cartoons and as a result, you only buy succotash that has been organically raised and humanely harvested.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Selling your car? Take the advice from a friend in the motor trade and first get rid of the body in the boot.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Question – if you have 22 episodes of Magnum PI to watch and you’ve got through 7 of them, what proportion have you watched?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Utilise your years of experience, read up on the latest market trends, share best practice with colleagues across the industry and by god, that job scraping puke out of those nightclub urinals will be yours.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
It’s often comforting to think that ‘in 100 years’ time none of this will matter’, but in your case we could replace ‘years’ with ‘seconds’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
‘Best before’ dates on food can safely be ignored if they’re a little over, but possibly not if they’re more than a couple of monarchs ago.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL
Let’s pretend for a second I care. In fact, let’s pretend for the next eight years I’m actually listening and haven’t buggered off down the pub.