Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
So no-one told you life was gonna be this way. Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s DOA. Good.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Sweet-smelling urine can sometimes be a sign of diabetes, but in this
case it’s because you pissed all over your five-year-old’s birthday
cake. Serves her right for having the party after lunch.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
There’s something different about you? Have you lost weight? Done
something with your hair? New outfit? No, hang on, someone’s hacked your
arms off.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, consider this justice a gift on my daughter’s wedding day. And by the way, it won’t be anything fancy. Maybe just a footrub or a nice cheese and ham toastie.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You may know that Jesus was crucified for all your sins, but did you also know that he got eight dozen dead legs and a Chinese burn?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Repainting in light, neutral tones and removing the clutter of heavy furniture will create the illusion of space and brightness. And remember to heave all the bodies into a wheelie bin.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
No-one leaves until he’s eaten all of it.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your child is reaching that age where they’re asking difficult questions about sex, like why they only get to keep 10% of the profits.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
When your bright orange son goes missing on a school trip, you cross the oceans facing incredible dangers including sharks and swarms of jellyfish to find him. Seems like a lot of bother considering Clownfish males are able to change sex in a process known as ‘sequential hermaphroditism’ and have about 800 children a year.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
I see a little silhouetto of a man. No, wait a minute, it’s a crocodile.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
A random drugs test at work goes badly when you become convinced the sample bottle is a talking handbag and you punch the nurse in the throat.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you detect a star that is 300 times bigger than the Sun. So that’s my charts fucked into a tinker’s bucket