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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
These Friends gifs everyone’s sharing are incredible! They really should put a bunch of them together, add sound and show them on TV. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
The worst thing about living at the top of a tower, surrounded by thorn bushes and guarded by a dragon, is explaining to all these knights that you’re not a princess and actually work in conference catering. 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Congratulations! By sleeping with one of every sign of the zodiac you unlocked the secret 13th sign, Baphomet!
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Saturday, you win Amateur Photographer of the Year for a series of pictures you accidentally took of the inside of your jeans pocket on your iPhone. You don’t get much more amateur than that.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Tomorrow, your habit of sarcastically saying “Wow, that’d make a great movie,” to boring anecdotes backfires when you’re invited to the premieres of Terrible Traffic, Bumping Into Schoolfriend At Supermarket and Really Sorting Out The Garden.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Feeling bold, you whisper “Candyman” five times into MTV and are forced to watch one of Christina Aguilera’s most soul-searingly awful videos. 

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you invent a program that automatically makes websites order things from cheapest to most expensive, so start mansion shopping now.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Bruce Springsteen cancels a gig in North Carolina because of toilets and everyone says he’s great. You say you’re not coming in tomorrow because of what you just did in the toilet and you have to see HR.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re really upset at the thought David Cameron could resign this week because you’re doing a sponsored dry April but you’d want to get drunker than Oliver Reed on his stag night.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Celebrity Capricorns include Jesus, though to be fair he’s not exactly A-list. You’ve never seen him courtside at a Lakers game.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
All that work going to the gym is starting to pay off – you’ve found £3.74 in loose change in the lockers so far.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You pride yourself on making a really good cup of tea, but maybe leave it off your CV.

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People who want to get on train angry at people who want to get off

RAIL commuters cannot see why they should let other people off the train first, they have confirmed. 

Tube and rail users have admitted they are sick of being harangued over the PA system to allow other passengers to disembark, delaying their own journeys by vital seconds.

Services manager Roy Hobbs said: “People seem to think they’ve got some God-given right to get off the train at the exact moment I need to get on.

“I can’t bear that selfish, ‘me, me, me’ attitude, expecting preferential treatment just because you’ve reached your destination.”

“The number of times I’ve had to physically punch someone back inside the carriage so I can get on. It’s just rude.”

Donna Sheridan of Stevenage agreed: “There’s always room for a few more passengers in every carriage, if everyone just pushes up against each other as tightly as possible and takes short, shallow breaths.

“Apart from that train I was on last week which exploded due to internal pressure at Winchmore Hill. Which made us even bloody later.”

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