Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
These Friends gifs everyone’s sharing are incredible! They really should put a bunch of them together, add sound and show them on TV.
Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
The worst thing about living at the top of a tower, surrounded by thorn bushes and guarded by a dragon, is explaining to all these knights that you’re not a princess and actually work in conference catering.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Congratulations! By sleeping with one of every sign of the zodiac you unlocked the secret 13th sign, Baphomet!
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Saturday, you win Amateur Photographer of the Year for a series of pictures you accidentally took of the inside of your jeans pocket on your iPhone. You don’t get much more amateur than that.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Tomorrow, your habit of sarcastically saying “Wow, that’d make a great movie,” to boring anecdotes backfires when you’re invited to the premieres of Terrible Traffic, Bumping Into Schoolfriend At Supermarket and Really Sorting Out The Garden.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Feeling bold, you whisper “Candyman” five times into MTV and are forced to watch one of Christina Aguilera’s most soul-searingly awful videos.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you invent a program that automatically makes websites order things from cheapest to most expensive, so start mansion shopping now.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Bruce Springsteen cancels a gig in North Carolina because of toilets and everyone says he’s great. You say you’re not coming in tomorrow because of what you just did in the toilet and you have to see HR.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re really upset at the thought David Cameron could resign this week because you’re doing a sponsored dry April but you’d want to get drunker than Oliver Reed on his stag night.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Celebrity Capricorns include Jesus, though to be fair he’s not exactly A-list. You’ve never seen him courtside at a Lakers game.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
All that work going to the gym is starting to pay off – you’ve found £3.74 in loose change in the lockers so far.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You pride yourself on making a really good cup of tea, but maybe leave it off your CV.