Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it. Or put some clamps on it and had it pierced. Slamming it in a kitchen drawer would have been interesting too.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
There comes a time in your life when you have to stop running. Have you considered the javelin instead?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Barzini is dead. So is Phillip Tattallgia. Moe Green. Slacci. Cuneo. Today I settled all family business. Oh, and I also signed up for one of those organic box deliveries. They just send you whatever’s in season. It sounds really good.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You finally find a restaurant that serves food that tastes just like your mother used to make. What are the chances of finding another cook with precisely the same fungal infection?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your fears over identity theft are eased after a security expert reassures you that your identity is utterly worthless.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Too late, my time has come. Sends shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time. What was the date on that yoghurt?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
I swear to God, if you do not stop that aimless, working class whistling I will tell them you left here hours ago.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week sign off from your weather forecast by saying ‘now back to the newsdesk for a load of over-hyped bullshit produced by some preening tosspots who wouldn’t know a fucking story if it bit them on the cock’. And then scratch your chin.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
I paid for the full hour now get back down there and pretend to be Baroness Thatcher.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Be the bull you’ve always wanted to be. Except don’t have sex in a field when there’s children going past in a car. That’s not nice.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you mark 100 days in coalition by slipping some horse laxative into Vince Cable’s tea and then staring at him blankly while he shits himself.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Still no sign of Sarah Beeny’s nursing bra. Are you sure you there was enough postage on the stamped, addressed envelope?