Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Climbing up on Solsbury Hill, I could see the city lights. Wind was blowing, time stood still, eagle flew out of the night. A great evening of dogging lay ahead.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your partner’s request that you become more physically demonstrative backfires after you repeatedly get them in a headlock.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Relief this week as you realise that the mic was switched off before you started chatting about your solution to ‘the immigration unpleasantness’.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
All your prayers are answered with the announcement of a new Febreze that also gets rid of the indefinable odour of utter failure.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Next Thursday evening, why not just get us all a cup of tea while we get on with the man’s work of being funny? There’s a darling.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
There’s no trouble that can’t be made easier by sharing it with your best friend, if only they’d answer their email, their phone or their door and stop screaming at you to leave them alone.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you fly into a rage at the Oscar nominations after momentarily forgetting that even though some of them may not be that good they are – each and every single one of them – a billion times more creative and talented than you.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
We’ve all had to run out of the house first thing in the morning to take the bins out in time, but next time you may want to take off the arab strap and the Margaret Thatcher mask.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Next, finely chop the chili, leaving in the seeds, and add to the red onion If that doesn’t work, you may have to use the car battery and the bulldog clips.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
After the unconventional expert works miracles to eradicate your crippling stutter, you charge him with the more difficult task of having a crack at your wife’s eye-watering views on black people.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Oh, for a muse of fire that would ascend the brightest heaven of invention. Failing that, somebody setting fire to Muse would do.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Cheer up, it’s not the end of the world. Oh, it’s the end of your world, don’t get me wrong.