Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
If you need a hobby why not dress as an old man, hang around weddings and tell the groom you’re him from the future and you’ve come to warn him about the terrible consequences of going through with the ceremony?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Got the entire country setting fire to things and calling for your head? Why not get all your staff to swap desks? That should calm things down a treat.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
I’ve got chills, they’re multiplying, and I’m losing control of my bowel movements. Oh dear, I seem to have malaria.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After loudly denouncing the abuse of the English language brought about by Twitter and ‘textspeak’, everyone is eagerly awaiting your shimmering work of linguistic genius. In your own time.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
While demanding ketchup with everything you eat might mark you out as being common, smearing some on your communion wafer has nudged you into the realm of sacrilegious.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your helpful attitude, flexibility and dedication to the job are just three of the reasons why you’ve recently been made redundant by the council.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After using the wrong cutlery all evening, passing the port to the right and cutting the nose off the cheese, you figure you may as well go all out and ask for your brandy in a pint glass whilst scratching your gonads with a dessert fork.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
It’s all futuristic and that. Things are really rubbish but you’ve got some sort of special power or something that will save everyone. There’s a big fight at the end, which you win. Et fucking cetera.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
If your teenage son has become secretive, withdrawn and defensive about his behaviour, it’s a sign he may be dabbling in drugs. That or he’s masturbating like a bored chimpanzee.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A rainy Sunday afternoon curled up on the couch watching an old black and white film with your other half is really what love is all about. It doesn’t have to be a passive-aggressive nightmare that is slowly killing you.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Horoscope status: 17% complete. Press Esc to quit and take some fucking responsibility for your own existence.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It’s Jupiter, he’s got Pluto and Mercury stuffed in a pillowcase and he’s asking everyone if they know where you are. Crikey.