Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Bundling the defenceless wives of an already-marginalised minority whose extremist wing have a penchant for blowing things up into the back of a police van? Clever stuff.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You realise you’re still not ready to discuss the AV referendum when you ask how it will affect the result of FHM’s 100 Hottest Birds.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Saying the serial killer storyline on a soap opera is unrealistic is fine. Getting out the scrapbook of ‘how you’d do it properly’ is why you don’t have any friends that you’ve actually met.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Grease is the word. So could you unhook the harness and go and get some?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve promised to stop brutalising the population of your country as soon as your contract runs out, so you’re flummoxed  as to why they’re still upset. Maybe shooting a few of them might make the rest believe you.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week a dream has a profound effect on you while a colleague encourages you to ‘think outside of the box’ resulting in you sending your company’s clients a photoshopped image of you having sex with your geography teacher’s car.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your life goes in two very different directions depending on whether you catch a train or not. In one you face a wretched existence keeping up two jobs to support your unfaithful boyfriend, in the other you end up having to watch a film with Gwyneth Paltrow in it directed by the wanker out of Bread.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Jupiter. Birmingham. £50. January. You know what I’m on about.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Can you tell your dad that Sandra is on holiday this week and no-one else is trained to use the vibrating egg? Cheers.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
People may wish to view your life so far as an endless litany of blinkered misanthropy, mistrust and relentless cynicism, but one thing they can’t accuse you of is being wrong.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Make sure you shred all your post before putting it in the bin. Wouldn’t want somebody stealing your identity and being refused credit.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Tell her that fiddly predictive text thing was the reason ‘love you loads’ came out as ‘you have sucked the joy from my soul’.