Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week try to strike a balance between career, romance and being denied bail.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you could upset someone born under Libra who feels their artistic talents are being brushed aside. Well done.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You once again manage to ignore the voices – both internal and external – and put the finishing touches to your blog post about the latest episode of Dr Who.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It might not specify it in your job description, but in fairness to your employer you should just assume you’re not supposed to turn up for work at 2.30 pm stinking of cider and anal sex.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A time of great change as the relegation of your team means that come August you will have a host of new and excting places to beat up strangers.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
In a bid to show you’ve got more strings to your directorial bow than Twilight, why not remake an old fairy tale that looks exactly the same as Twilight? I’m looking forward to your reworking of The Canterbury Tales with a girl torn between two brooding young men who may be werewolves. Arse.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Fame at last as people are still talking about your nervous breakdown on Eggheads, which featured you saying the name ‘Dermot Murnaghan’ in a thick Brummie accent over and over and over and over again.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You can tell a lot about somebody by the contents of their fridge. Especially if there’s a human foot in it.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Nutella can be used in naughty ways to spice up things in the bedroom, but perhaps not 12 jars a week.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
‘Some people think you’re bonkers, but you just think you’re free’, you say? Well, I’m from the contingent that think you sound like a council estate being dropped down a flight of stairs. Pack it in.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After waiting for five years on the donor list for a kidney, you finally admit defeat and just make a steak pudding instead.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You patiently explain to your child that swimming is the best form of exercise and that one day they might even grow up to be big and strong enough to throw their own children into a canal.
