Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You may not know much about art, but you know what you like. It’s just a shame that happens to be rearranging your balls on public transport.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The development of cloud computing means all of your files and online activity is accessible from any device you use. Given what you tend to use them for, this makes you indescribably terrified.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You have a huge crush on Zooey Deschanel, as does any redblooded male who has a thing for women who look like a permanently surprised, 14-year-old Aunt Sally doll.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
An abrupt end to your night out bowling with members of the tube drivers union when you knock all the pins down, shout ‘Strike!’ and they all walk out.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Filming goes well on the first episode of the Welsh version of The
Gadget Show as you test the latest version of the pointy stick.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you find out one absolutely impossible mission is sitting
through a Tom Cruise film in the cinema without wanting to shout ‘TWAT!’
at the top of your voice.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You’re almost down to the last of the booze you bought in for Christmas, so bite the bullet and get cracking on the mince pie-flavoured schnapps.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Hot dog, jumping frog, Albuquerque – fetch the waiter, this isn’t what I ordered at all.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
When the world seems to have stopped caring, when everyone seems to have deserted you, when things seem at their most hopeless – that probably is the time to start sobbing uncontrollably. Crack on.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
As a full moon enters Gemini, you realise your arse has ballooned to twice its normal size.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your willingness to see things from somebody else’s point of view is taken a little too far this week when you break into your neighbour’s bedroom while they’re out shopping and shout “Stop staring at me or I’ll call the police!” into your own back garden.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
After seeing your blind date waiting for you in the pub flicking through
a copy of Zoo and sipping a bottle of WKD you take the sensible
precaution of stealing a bulldozer and ploughing it through the snug.
