Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Few takers this week as you promise to attend regional council meetings for local businessmen in return for a Big Mac meal.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Life is short and we have one shot at happiness so just ignore the doubters and the haters who say that romance between a man and a piece of electrical equipment can never last.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Following a lot of groundswell community work, lobbying the local authority and winning sponsorship from businesses, you manage to convert that patch of wasteground into a thriving green space with excellent facilities which makes it a beautiful place to work for the local drug dealers who take it over 15 minutes later.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It’s not a good sign that your blind date tells you to ‘just follow the smell’.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Good news this week after suffering 40 years of communism under Castro when a guy in a big hat you’ve never met before turns up and tells you you’re going to hell for being fond of cock.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Hey now, hey now, don’t dream it’s over. Not until you return all my DVDs and pay back the three grand you owe me, anyway.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Look out for the first signs of somebody having a stroke – facial paralysis, arm immobility, slurred speech and frantically trying to remember if they mentioned you in their will.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A tense time for you when you reluctantly reveal to your new boss that your Facebook password is “ismokecrackatwork”.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You can honestly say that you’ve forgotten what it was like to wake up with a hangover, especially since you started taking sips of your supermarket-branded vodka-like drink in your sleep.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
I think we’re alone now, there doesn’t seem to be anyone around. So you drop your trousers, I’ll oil up my hands and we can do this thing.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After a busy day protesting outside an abortion clinic, why not relax at home with a nice warm bath? And remember, down the vein, not across.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three ti…sorry, you needed my bank details, didn’t you?