Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’re right that deodorant is completely unnatural, but so is vomiting into my own hands on the top deck of an 82 bus, you malodorous git.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
No response from the booksellers’ union about your request they threaten strike action in the hope people might start panic-buying books and maybe even read one once in a while.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your application to be a panellist on the new TV version of Just A Minute falters for three reasons: You’re not a celebrity, you’re unable to talk for a minute on any subject at all without using the word ‘darkies’ and then there’s the restraining order Nicholas Parsons had to apply for.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You like your women as naked as the day they came into the world, and if they’re being spanked by a nurse wearing rubber gloves, so much the better.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The only way you will manage to reach your holiday weight is if that holiday is due to take place on Mercury.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your pleasure in Ebay awarding you a yellow star is tempered by their insistence that you wear it in public at all times.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s annoying when you have a great idea but don’t have a pen to write it down with. Like that one you had the other night about always carrying a pen with you.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
As the security guard tosses you back out onto the pavement for the sixteenth time it becomes apparent that the angry phone call from your boss on Sunday morning wasn’t an April Fool and you really have been fired.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Stern words exchanged with the local cinema manager on the importance of sturdy signage after a missing couple of letters in the marquee for Wrath Of The Titans leaves you disappointed in your quest for angry, circus-boobed porn.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Hey Jude, don’t make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better. If it’s anything by Damien Rice I’d recommend setting it on fire and fucking it over a cliff.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you walk into the pub to see Mars, Jupiter and Saturn all stood by the bar. As you try and order a drink the barman shakes his head almost imperceptibly and motions toward the door with his eyes. Calling them a bunch of planetary pricks is beginning to look like a remarkably bad idea.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week, why not keep the plastic inner packaging from your easter egg, and use it as a mould to manufacture your own.