Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week, you learn that if you try to lean on Bill Withers he absolutely hates it.

Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
You should have two or three nights off the booze a week but Im not sure your 18-hour blackouts really count.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On Saturday you realise how badly named chopsticks are when you try to eat one with them.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
So you mispronounced the word to indicate a witty response? Some people can be so touché.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your hospitalised nan is responding to treatment. Although the response is, “If anything its making things worse.”

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your foolproof Grand National betting system is based on whichever horse has most recently done a shit.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
They say write about what you know but if you write about a novelist who never writes his novel its no longer something you know and your brain starts to hurt.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your petition to see how Jeremy Hunt would get on at A & E if he had life-threatening injures attracts police attention.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Somebody broke the passenger window of your car and theres a big steaming turd on the back seat. Which is probably what put them off getting into it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your online dating profile might attract more hits if it didnt have that photo of you gelding that horse.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Seeing the concept of ‘Spring Break’ popularised in the UK reminds you to book a trip to an assisted suicide clinic.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This horoscope costs £2 p/min so given the speed you read, you owe me a tenner.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Britons still relying on class system for their personalities

BRITISH people are still incapable of coming up with personalities for themselves.

Reports that Britain now has seven social classes were greeted with a sigh of relief from a nation of people too lazy to have individual characteristics.

Teacher Emma Bradford said: “I’m more than happy to let my entire value system be decided by a set of arbitrary economic guidelines.

“Without a strong, detailed class system I’d have no reference points, I could end up watching Antiques Roadshow while drinking an Oasis, wearing a top hat and stroking a staffordshire bull terrier.

“I’d start to question everything and soon wouldn’t be able to distinguish a cat from a barn.”

The updated class system includes the ‘technical middle class’ who have lots of money from doing cash-in-hand plumbing jobs but prefer to spend it at T.G.I. Friday’s, and ’emergent service workers’ who are basically quite poor people who think they’re it because they work in clothes shops.

Salesman Tom Booker said: “Far from being an archaic load of cack, the class system is a handy ready-reckoner for how to behave.

“As a ‘new affluent worker’ I understand now that I must drive a stupid little Mini car, own at least six cook books and do cocaine every other weekend.

“Without that knowledge I’d literally have to make myself up, using my personal thoughts and sensibilities, which would be horrible.”

Next story ›