Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Food should still be fine even if left out of the fridge overnight. So if that kebab’s still on the pavement when you leave for work in the morning, you’re having it.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Kids can often be the worst hit by a messy divorce. Especially when you’ve asked them to compile a photo scrapbook of your husband shagging the plumber.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This weekend will see a hangover that manages to span 3,000 years of human philosophy, from blissful ignorance, to belief in a vengeful god to all-encompassing ennui, all during the space of a Hollyoaks omnibus.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
In preparation for Wimbledon, you hit the park to practise watching teenage girls in miniskirts.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your 30-year spiritual quest comes to an end this week as you come to realise that you live in a universe where Tim Lovejoy is an actual thing and therefore meaning or justice is an impossibility.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
To avoid the latest round of redundancies you have to broaden your skill set, this time to include ‘posing as a transsexual hooker in the bar your boss goes to’.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there’ll be sun. Moving on to the forecast for next week…

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you chase your dreams, what do you have to lose? Your virginity, for a start.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The BBC calls the police after receiving your pitch for a wildlife cookery series called Endangered but Delicious.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The last six months have been a painful, draining series of disappointments, defeats and harsh realisations but this week looks to be okay. Just make the most of it, is all I’m saying.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A difficult decision this week as the opportunity to watch Tom Cruise act out his midlife crisis in Rock Of Ages clashes with the opportunity to go to London Zoo, coat your scrotum in beef and onion gravy and dangle it over the wolverine enclosure.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Life’s too short to have regrets. Yours is, anyway.