Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As somebody with an eye for a bargain, you’re delighted to discover the security guard in your local Asda is off work sick and they haven’t had time to get in a temp.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The next time your family and friends criticise you for sitting at home all day on your arse, ask them what else they suggest you use for sitting with. That will show them.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The man in B&Q advised against painting your bedroom red as it’s a very aggressive colour, not realising you were planning to then cover the walls with pictures of celebrities with their eyes scratched out.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Let’s get it on. Ohhhhhhh baby, let’s get it on. Wait, I was talking about creosoting the shed, what did you think I meant?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You feel the director of “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” missed a trick when at no point in the film is there a scene where the heroine’s husband is found wanking at the Mondeo of a middle-aged couple from Carlisle.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week your star sign is ruled by Jupitus and you find yourself making a number of appearances on QI.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No, I don’t think anything that comes in a freezer bag of 50 and costs under two quid can accurately be described as ‘gourmet’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You phone the RSPCA to tell them you could give little Rover a home. After all, those badgers aren’t going to bait themselves, are they?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
As a creative person, you’re keen on hypothetically asking how people could do dead-end 9-5 jobs their whole lives, mainly because nobody has ever said “Well, if they didn’t there’d be nobody to pay the wages of gobshites like you.”

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I’m sure those chest pains are just wind. After all, doing no exercise and smoking 40 fags a day for thirty years is bound to have trapped a lot of wind in there.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Oops! Psychic Bob is over capacity. Please wait a moment and try again. Or just try living your own life, for fuck’s sake.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Still no word from Hollywood on your proposed horror film Grover Cleveland, Chupacabra Wrangler.