Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’re going to protest against homophobia in the Winter Olympics by giving the same level of a shit about the event as you always do.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. If you’re unhappy and you know it, clap them slowly and sarcastically.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You have a really obscure joke about where in France Sean Connery goes for his holidays. It’s niche.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
To celebrate the Chinese Year of the Horse, you’re going to eat nothing but frozen lasagne.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s your third month in the Magnet Kitchen factory this week and it’s only fair to warn you that if you make one more ‘counter productive’ joke you’re going to get a sink unit across the throat.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
There are many things that make a person feel alive – diving into a crystal ocean, the first thrilling kiss of a love affair – but right now I think what the patient really needs is 50cc of adrenaline.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The tube strike is going to cost you money this week as there’ll be nobody outside the station to menace for a cup of tea.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Remember, never say something on social media that you wouldn’t say to that person’s face, you sack of fuck.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Friday you have one of those moments where you walk into a room and completely forget why you’re in there. The handful of warm butter and the courgette might offer some clue.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You can call it an ‘open letter’ all you want, but the court will view writing ‘all coppers are bastards’ on the wall of a police station as criminal damage.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Why not liven up the drab, joyless routine of taking methadone by jazzing it up with a Soda Stream?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Nobody gives a shit about your opinion on Woody Allen. Nobody.