Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A surprise this week as Andy Murray, with just one challenge left in his match, challenges Vitali Klitschko for the heavyweight title.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You’ve always appreciated the gratitude of French midgets after your mum told you to be grateful for small mercies.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After your promise of a European referendum fails to distract everyone away from what a tramp’s bollock you’re making of everything, this week you come into work with a puppy.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Blue moon…you saw me standing alone…now can you please stop staring when I’m having a piss?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
People usually put on a croaky voice when they’re phoning in sick but not many employees bother to record a backing track of heartbeat monitors, respirators and somebody shouting “My god doctor, we’re losing him!”

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You can’t make something out of nothing. Not without adding an ‘e’, an ‘s’ and an ‘n’ squashed up next to the other one.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
While a lot of people have criticised 50 Shades Of Grey, you feel that it may finally break down some of the stigma and taboos of being somebody who’s into really badly-written fan fiction.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your excitement at getting tickets for the latest Queen tour, with vocals provided by the bloke from Reef, is tempered by the realisation that they’re going to have to call themselves ‘Queef’.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You can’t wait to see Magic Mike, because given the current downward trajectory of his directorial career Steven Soderburgh’s next film is going to be set in a warehouse, filmed on a camcorder and feature a bored-looking housewife and a Labrador.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Sometimes a nice cup of tea can make everything better. Now, let me just find a couple of mugs without blood all over them.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After eating 100 Greggs steak bakes in under five minutes, it’s only at the last moment you remember what your cover story was for doing it and reluctantly phone the Guinness Book Of Records.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Gimme a ‘P’! Gimme a ‘s’! GImme a ‘y’! Gimme a ‘c’! Gimme a…hello? Are you still there?