Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
If the term ‘geek’ these days just means somebody with a detailed interest in something, you’re a real pornography geek.
Why not ask your local court to send you some film of the accused and you can tell them whether you reckon they’re guilty or not?
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’ve been working on your novel for so long you spend half your time removing references to things like pagers and 8-track cassettes.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your boss is unimpressed on Tuesday when you claim her decision to suspend you while they investigate that stolen whisky is a witch-hunt due to the Leveson Enquiry.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve always done your bit for charity by living in such poverty everything in your house was bought in Oxfam.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your preparations for the London Marathon on Sunday are going well as wake up dressed as a bear and drenched in urine.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Dr Dre used to help with harvesting at your farm but you had to fire him for his insistence on dropping the beets.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
At the video reading of your grandad’s will, you learn that he spent the last of his money hiring a camera crew to film the video reading of the will.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Trapping your genitals in the fly of a pair of jeans, you’re rushed to hospital shortly after being permanently banned from River Island.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your WWII re-enactment gets a little out of hand this weekend as you and six of your mates get drunk and accidentally annexe the Sudetenland.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’re the water-bearer, right? How about you piss off with this weather, then?
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Contains flash photography, traces of peanut and scenes of a sexual nature.