The Mash guide to surviving the heatwave


THE sun is out and everyone is going to perish – except you.

With the heatwave predicted to continue throughout July, the average human’s chances of survival are virtually nil. Here’s how to improve your odds:

Build a machine like a tank but with a massive drill on the end. Then tunnel down through the Earth’s crust, reaching a more temperate land where prehistoric tribes live alongside giant dinosaur-like lizards. Rescue a beautiful cave girl who is cornered by a rival tribe. Her name will be something like Ti-Wa. Then run off into the jungle to eat strange fruit and have sex.

Desk work can be hell in the heat so get some time off by staring at the sun until you go blind. Then you can legitimately say you can’t see your computer screen, because your retinas have been incinerated.

Extreme heat will make you sweaty, but beware that some deodorants can cause you to be pursued by a horde of very attractive young women, literally falling over each other to have sex with you. Be sure to ask for a deodorant that doesn’t make you too sexually magnetic.

Scientists say that drinking alcohol in the sun seriously increases your risk of dehydration. But then scientists say all sorts of thing.

If you’re feeling sorry for yourself, spare a thought for the millions of people who live on the sun. The Sunnians have to deal with extreme temperatures every day.

Get an electric fan. These are also great for giving you a ‘flat top’ haircut if you turn them up to the top setting and place your hair inside the safety guard.

However tempting it may be, do not shake your fist at the sun. People who shake their fists at the sun tend to look insane, more importantly you might anger it then who knows what it might do.

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