LIKE their ancestors, today’s potential brave young conscripts will be fighting for what makes Britain great. And that includes these beacons of freedom and democracy.

Naked Attraction

Thoughts of rolling green fields and chocolate box villages were what kept Tommies going during the living hell of the trenches. For the conscripts of the near future, a dating show where contestants judge the naked bodies of total strangers will be their reason to keep fighting. They’ll probably keep a picture of a penis in a locket around their neck as a poignant reminder.

A broken housing market

The utterly ruined housing market is one of the many things that make Britain great and worth fighting for. If you’re somehow lucky enough to get on it then you’ll have a home for life, unless interest rates unexpectedly spike and you’re forced to move back in with your parents in your mid-30s. Only a Russian spy or a traitor would not want to pay the ultimate price for it.

Shit public services

This country’s public services might be terrible, but they’re our terrible public services. As a nation we take pride in the charming ways our trains are never on time, and the quintessential Britishness of being unable to get a dental appointment. Plucky young conscripts are surely champing at the bit to fight for this hallowed way of life, which is admired the world over.

TikTok dances

A world without TikTok dances scarcely bears thinking about. What would be the point in carrying on if teens couldn’t floss to an audience of millions? Expect conscripts to record their own moves on the front line like a war poet frantically scribbling down verses. Future generations will then study these dances in school and sombrely realise the futility of both war and life itself.

The Nintendo Switch

The Nintendo console might be long in the tooth, but Tears of the Kingdom proved there’s still life in the old girl yet. Do you really want Putin to march his troops over here and destroy the hundreds of hours you poured into Super Mario Odyssey? Of course not. But if able-bodied men refuse to pick up a gun and head to Moscow, that’s exactly what could happen.

Domino’s Two for Tuesday

Sometimes the world can feel like a desolate place. Netflix has cracked down on password sharing and the Caramac bar is being discontinued. But there’s still a weekly discount on Domino’s pizzas, which is more than enough reason to join the army. At the setting of the sun, we will remember those brave souls killed in the name of a Veggie Volcano and a Mighty Meaty for just over £20.