Apprentice viewers realise contestants have no identities

THE latest batch of hopefuls on The Apprentice are known even to themselves by generic names like ‘The Blonde Woman’, it emerged last night.

Brown-Haired Woman 2 is the nation's favourite

It has been confirmed the competitors are distinguishable from each other only by hair colour and gender, due to a total absence of other human attributes.

One contestant, who calls himself ‘Scottish Brown Haired Man’, wrote on the application form that he lived in ‘a building’ and that his next-of-kin was ‘another person’.

A BBC spokesman said: “It’s like they hatched out of pods. Creepy, but also confusing because there are three people called ‘Brown-Haired Woman’.

“For expediency’s sake we tried giving them numbers but they all started fighting over who was going to be ‘Brown-Haired Woman 1’, with each saying that it should be them because they had the most management experience.

“I think we can safely say that they’re not what we would understand as ‘people’. We suspect they’re some sort of drifting, cosmic fungus that has hit Earth and started shopping in Tie Rack.”

Bill, the father of one of the contestants, said: “There was a big electrical storm over our house and nine months later my wife gave birth to ‘The Gingery Woman’. Even then she looked about 30.

“I remember her first words were all weird, nonsensical conflations like ‘Posi-centivise’ and ‘Super-tivity’. We never bonded.

“After about two weeks she encased my wife in a gelatinous cocoon and went off to do a marketing degree at Wolverhampton University.

“So she’s on the telly now is she?”