Bridget Jones's husband inevitably kills himself

30-09-13

THE husband of fictional character Bridget Jones takes his own life to avoid listening to her incessant bullshit, it has emerged.

He craves the sweet embrace of death

He craves the sweet embrace of death

Author Helen Fielding described the bloody death of Mark Darcy – played in the film adaptation by Colin Firth – as ‘inevitable when you consider what his life would be like’.

Her new novel, Bridget Jones & Some Shit About Chardonnay, opens with Darcy holding a loaded gun to his forehead while saying, “Shut up! Dear God just shut up for five fucking minutes!”

When Bridget fails to stop bleating on about her petty neuroses, Darcy pulls the trigger and his head explodes “like a big balloon full of meat”.

Distraught Bridget Jones fan Mary Fisher said: “To clarify, does this mean that Colin Firth is actually dead?

“Because if I’ve lost both my favourite fictional character and my favourite actor – neither of whom I would ever even meet in real life – I don’t think I could keep going.

“I would just retreat into some stereotypically modern spinster-ish nightmare of lying under a duvet quaffing diet hot chocolate drinks.”

Clitorally disappointed 43-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “My real-world husband has a bad knee and a three-year-old works BMW that he won’t shut up about.

“What unthreatening fantasy figure remains available to me now?

“Paul Hollywood looks like a badger and everyone in the pop charts resembles the lad that’s bullying my son in school.”

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