Burger to headline Glastonbury

THE main stage headliner at this year’s Glastonbury festival will be McDonalds’ new tropical-themed burger, organisers have confirmed.

It's got a pineapple in it

It will be the first time an instantly forgettable meat product has taken to the festival stage since the Boo Radleys in 1995.

Upside down head of Glastonbury, Michael Eavis, said: “The Tropical Tang Triple Decker with Steeldrumjack Cheese was chosen entirely for its delicious talent.

“Of course we’ve had to move with the times, but Glastonbury retains its maverick spirit. We are still sticking it to ‘the man’, we’re just doing so within the brand perimeters of a globally-recognised convenience food retailer.

“In fact, I’ve heard that ‘the man’ really hates delicious 100% fresh burgers served with an unforgettably zingy sauce in a fluffy bap that’s like a tiny seed-laden cloud.

“So he’s going to be really, really angry about this and will probably fling his bowler hat on the floor and stamp on it.”

The burger, which will be rotating on a dais for 45 minutes, will be supported by some fries and a really, really, really hot tube of goo-filled batter.

Nineteen year-old festivalgoer, Tom Logan, said: “I’ve thought brands were really bad ever since I saw that film about how Marlboro, which is owned by space lizards, built the White House to send negative energy beams into the earth and give the planet cancer.

“That said, I’ll still be going to Glastonbury this year because I’ve made a flag with a picture of a cock on it and I want to wave it around while ripped to the tits on ketamine.”