Chinese Gain Access To Vast Archive Of BBC Health Scares

CHINESE web users were celebrating yesterday after government censors granted them access to the BBC’s unrivalled internet archive of unusual animal stories and idiotic health scares. 

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Wen Jiabao, the Chinese Premier, ordered the state police to stop blocking the BBC news site after discovering it was mainly obituaries of obscure music hall stars from the 1930s.

He said: "I though it hard hitting news site but it just load crap about pets. Front page story is donkey that do ballet. Donkey? Last week all about squirrels who is fat.

"I read about horse in lift. Elephant with camera. Cat that go hitch-hike. Deep fried rat. What next? Dog has shit?

"Who is Binky Blenkinsopp? She tap dance for 12 hours non-stop at Bradford Alhambra in 1936. Apparently. Die in nursing home surrounded by friend. Who cares?

"I read Chinese website after we shoot family of reporter, just in case, and take all good bits out, and it still have more news in than this.”

Yen Xiao, a farmer in Jiangsu province, said he had rushed home from the paddy field when he learned the BBC news website was now accessible but found it a huge disappointment.

He said: "I have nice shredded duck for tea, with boiled rice and nice fresh pak choi. But when read BBC internet I find it all give me cancer.

"It say glass red wine make heart healthy, then glass red wine make heart sick. Drink you get Alzheimers, don’t drink you lose marbles in old age. Brilliant.

"If OK with you, I stick which"