Clarkson splits into two

JEREMY Clarkson has split into two separate entities – one sad, the other mocking.

One Clarkson does a nice tapestry, the other Clarkson sets fire to it

The biological miracle occurred after Clarkson retaliated against Twitter comments joking about the death of his dog, triggered by his own posting of the sad news.

Having read through his own furious Top Gear magazine column responding to the jibes, Clarkson went to bed confused that he himself was now an example of political correctness gone stark raving mad.

The following morning he woke to discover his verruca had grown into a perfect physical clone of himself, Clarkson 2, and split from his original body.

A spokesman for the presenter said: “Clarkson 2 is kind and sensitive, he embodies Jeremy’s human side.

“Clarkson 2 feels sad that his dog has died, he also likes poetry and collecting little china frog ornaments.

“Meanwhile original Clarkson is now pure darkness.”

Clarkson 2 posted on Twitter: “Still sad, am on Spotify listening to songs about best friends.”

Original Clarkson responded by mocking Clarkson 2 in his newspaper column, writing: “I like dogs as much as the next Englishman, but like humans of various nationalities they have no souls.”

Qualifying his incendiary headline-grabbing remark, Clarkson continued: “My real problem is with the professional grief junkies like other me, trumpeting their mutt-induced tears on Twitter – an imaginary club house for perverts and mouth-breathers. And God forbid we respond to their worthless emotions with the humour that makes this nation great – the lefties will pounce.”

Clarkson 2 responded on Twitter: “Why am I being so mean to me?”

Nikki Hollis, media analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “It’s perfectly legitimate to grieve for a pet, but posting about it on Twitter so that you can get attention from strangers is likely to attract antagonism, especially if you are a professional antagonist.

“This whole thing is toughest on Richard Hammond, he doesn’t know whether Clarkson or Clarkson 2 is his pack leader. He’s running around in circles, barking helplessly.”