Cowell replaced by ageing, embittered drag queen

ITV’s Shit Factor will return later this year with Simon Cowell being replaced by a contemptuous showbiz failure.

'The problem wi' today's lot is they've got no fuckin' class'

Rosa Houses, a semi-retired female impersonator currently running a bed and breakfast in Whitby, will provide the withering scorn to desperate, mentally-fragile fame junkies that has become the cornerstone of the show’s success.

Houses hopes to combine his/her television duties with a short pre-booked summer run in Camber Sands Pontins.

Shit Factor executive producer, Tom Logan, said: “Rosa has the burning, undiluted misanthropy and barely-concealed boredom that viewers have come to expect from their freak wranglers.

“After 35 years anchored to the bottom rung of the business watching everyone else’s rise to fame, there is enough pent-up hatred to get through thousands of tuneless, in-bred cannon fodder.

“I’ve already been called a ‘jumped-up suit full of fuck-all’ so we’re off to a cracking start.”

Houses will now spend the next six weeks assembling a series of put-downs and one-word reviews such as ‘you sound like a Spice Girl trapping her clit in a car door’ and ‘horsecocks’.

Meanwhile, Cowell is set to remain part of the show with a hologram of his disembodied head appearing periodically on stage to deliver pre-recorded advice to his potential slaves including, ‘you are, literally, a murderer’ and ‘I order you to drink this bleach’.

Houses said: “Working on Shit Factor is a dream come true, especially as I have recurring dreams where I’m trapped in a room full of banshees with cystitis while sat between a leprechaun with Alzheimer’s and a child’s drawing of Kylie Minogue.

“But I am looking forward to patiently listening to someone’s tragic life story after a note-perfect rendition of Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful before telling the fat, ugly bitch to have another bucket of donuts.”