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Cult leader issues new decree to followers

THE leader of a rabid, fanatical cult last night issued a new decree to her international army of acolytes.

Level 12 High Priestess Taylor Swift, She Who Is Without Flaw, told her followers at last night’s Grammys that a new message from on high is coming and will be issued in a multiplicity of formats.

She said: “And lo, it is called The Tortured Poets Department. It will contain 16 tracks and a secret bonus song for my most devout disciples, as was foretold in the sacred runes.

“Expect lyrical odes that speak to your womanhood in a way that has been done for millennia, yet is revolutionary when performed by my holy self. Plus an abundance of riffs that long-suffering boyfriends will begrudgingly forced to admit do indeed ‘slap’.

“The album relief is posted on thine Instagram now. Go forth and like and share to secure your promotion to Level 5 enlightenment, my chosen ones, and neglect not to leave comments because the algorithm likes that.

“April 19. Pre-order and place the date in your diary. Think and speak of nothing else until that date, unless you are fortunate enough to attend my tour. If so, you may scream.”

Swiftie Eleanor Shaw said: “Would she like us to drink a draught of poisoned Kool-Aid? I would do so in a heartbeat. It’s easier than buying four limited-edition coloured vinyls.”

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Torvill, Dean and five other celebrities who have spun their tiny amount of fame out for decades

FORTY years ago Britain did not give a f**k about figure skating. Then we briefly did, and despite everything two Olympic gold winners are still famous today. Like many others:  

Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean, famous since 1984

The fever that grips Britain during the Olympics is occasional but fervent. It elevated these two, and incidentally Ravel’s Bolero, to incredible renown. Can you name a single winner of this event since? No. Did they win anything since? Bronze, in Lillehammer, in 1994, doing a routine to Nirvana’s Lithium. But still you believe ITV was lucky to get them.

Eddie the Eagle, famous since 1988

Currently making up the numbers on Dancing on Ice, Eddie is famous for not being good at ski jumping. His most lasting contribution to sport is that after he won British hearts, the rules were changed so nobody as bad as him could ever compete in the Olympics again. He remains famous. Roland Rat, his contemporary, now works in IT.

Rita Ora, famous since 2012

Achieving her fame the old-fashioned way, by releasing hit singles while being hot, Rita had her first number one almost exactly 12 years ago. After that her career’s been chequered but she has never, for one moment, ceased to be famous. She’s barely had a charting single since her pandemic birthday party. Nonetheless.

Jamie Laing, famous since 2011

A wealthy public-school educated love cheat who had the gall to get famous without even becoming a Conservative MP first. Has achieved nothing despite having every advantage in life and now feeds his fanbase with three separate podcasts, releasing on average 30 hours of material every single day.

Amanda Holden, famous since 2000

Her TV credits begin in the 1990s, but she only became a household name after cheating on Les Dennis with Neil Morrissey. Almost a quarter of a century later, that remains the most notable thing she’s ever done. Sits in judgment on the talent of others, because who says Simon Cowell doesn’t have a sense of humour?

Sophie Ellis-Bextor, famous since 2001

One f**king song. One song, and a pandemic kitchen disco where she danced around to the playlist of Magic FM. And yet everyone in Gen Z knows who she is.

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