Eastenders not realistically horrific enough

LONG-running suicide note Eastenders fails to fully capture how revolting Cockneys are, the BBC have admitted.

They'd gouge his simpering face open with a cockle-spoon

BBC executive John Yorke said criticism that the show is insufficiently multicultural or occasionally melodramatic misses the bigger point that a true portrayal of East London people would actually constitute snuff television.

Yorke said: “I was recently driven through Whitechapel with the windows rolled up and the doors locked and I can honestly say that I’d have felt marginally safer running through Longleat Safari Park wearing beef pants.

“It’s hard to imagine that the fey prickland of Shoreditch is just up the road – it’s like finding out the 100 Acre Wood borders the forest out of Deliverance – but if I was Boris Johnson I’d wall up the whole area, fire a piano full of eels over every few weeks and leave them to it.”

Cocknologist Wayne Hayes said: “The Cockney manages to pack the self-mythologising of the Scouser, the inexplicable self-belief of the Yorkshireman and the explosively unpredictable propensity for violence of the Scotsman into a remarkably scrawny frame.

“Anybody displaying the doe-eyed sentimentality that Shane Richie does within the sound of Bow Bells would be rapidly kicked to death and eaten after being doused in a liquor which is a curious mix of wallpaper paste, astroturf and semen.”

Another show affected by the new drive toward realism is Countryfile, which will return in the autumn as Fighting, Farming and Fucking.

Producer Martin Bishop said: “We’ve just finished filming a bit with John Craven where he gets proper fucked up on scrumpy and cheap speed before overturning his pimped up Clio into a hedge and pegging it before the rozzers arrive.”