Events in Game of Thrones to be reported as actual news

NEWS organisations are to report events in Game of Thrones as reality.

Senior editors confirmed that our world and the fantasy world of Westeros were now of equal relevance and should be handled accordingly.

Journalist Tom Logan said: “For years we’ve been neglecting to mention that Grant and Phil Mitchell are fictional characters, this is the logical evolution.

Game of Thrones is real to millions of people, compared to which only a few thousand believe in Wales. So tomorrow we’re leading with a story about a warg army massing in the north, behind the big wall.”

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “Whenever something important happens, the government should bring in Hollywood writers to make it into a proper good story.

“Theresa May and Cersei Lannister are both powerful, scheming women, but one’s got depth of characterisation and the other’s just a sourpuss.”

An ITN spokesman said: “We’ll be leading with Tyrion Lannister going on the run and women giving birth to demons.”

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How can I sound convincingly sorry?

Dear Holly,

Elton John was right: sorry really is the hardest word. I need some advice on how to make my apologies sound less terse and more convincing in future without actually meaning it… can you help?

Maria Miller

See expense claim form for address

Dear Maria,

Your best weapon in this situation is the ability to weep convincingly and dramatically. What heartless monster could continue to be angry at you as a few well-placed, lonely tears trickle down your sad face? If you find it hard to pretend, just think about something really, really upsetting – like Harry Styles being killed by firing squad, or Justin Bieber revealing he really was a lesbian all along.

Hope that helps!

Holly