F**ked-up space penguin to be best thing about new Star Wars

10-10-17

THAT weird half-penguin half-guinea pig thing in the new Star Wars movie will turn out to be easily the best bit, insiders have claimed.

The stupid-looking bullshit thing, which goes ‘Awiigh awiiigh’ 90 seconds into the Last Jedi trailer, might make your heart sink in despair in anticipation of its arsehole Orko-from-He-Man antics but will prove to be just brilliant.

A Star Wars insider said: “The Porg isn’t the new Ewoks. It’s the new Han Solo, Boba Fett and speeder bike chase all rolled into one.

“It may look like a team of CGI scientists brainstormed cuteness for too long until they went out the other side into flesh-creepingly grotesque, but it actually kicks all kinds of ass.

“In the finale it pilots the Millennium Falcon backwards in time through hyperspace, fights eight Jedi with six lightsabers simultaneously, shuts Kylo Ren down with a witty quip and reveals to Chewbacca it’s his father. And his mother.

“It’s actually the whole reason we agreed to do another trilogy. The third film will be entirely focused on it and its adventures, and after that Star Wars films will be known as Porg films and all the other characters will be forgotten.”

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