Going out still not horrible enough
A TYPICAL night out in the UK is still not unpleasant enough, according to most British people.
The Institute for Studies found that although going out in a British town will definitely involve either A & E, punching a friend or sitting in a pool of piss while dressed as the devil, Britons felt the overall experience was still insufficiently horrible.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “A lot of Brits feel frustrated that there’s only a 94% chance of getting punched in the spleen by a bitter gym freak in a scoop neck T-shirt.
“Also they’re worried that ‘drinking factory’ style pubs aren’t sufficiently soulless and depressing. Basically Britons want everything to be more corporate, more threatening, more amazingly miserable.”
Office worker Tom Logan said: “After a hard week at work I want to go and have a fucking horrible night out, dancing to music I hate in a roomful of threatening strangers, before going home to do a shit in my bed.
“I don’t want the unrelenting misery of the experience diluted by any fun or hope. Is that too much to ask?
“Basically I need my leisure time to be like reading the Daily Mail – a curiously compelling mixture of hating myself and hating others.”
Sales executive Nikki Hollis said: “Going out at weekends still isn’t quite as bad as it might be, so we’ve taken to staying in.
“Usually my friend Sarah injects me with methanol, after which we play Benny Benassi’s Satisfaction on a loop while she kicks me in the head non-stop, for hours.
“Then we steal each others’ coats.”