Ian Beale to return as a Yardie

EASTENDERS is to become yet more unrealistic with the return of Ian Beale as a Jamaican-style gangster.

Whagwarn mi bredrin

Viewers will discover that the reason Beale left Walford was to establish a drugs empire in the Trenchtown area of Jamaican capital Kingston, under the alias of Steppaman B.

Buoyed by his success, the bungling chip shop owner has grown dreadlocks and become incredibly intimidating, with a penchant for automatic weapons and brightly-coloured string vests.

Scriptwriter Denys Finch Hatton said: “Ian’s transformation from a prat who looks like Jools Holland to an amoral, gun-toting Yardie who  shoots Billy Mitchell in the face for stepping on his toe really pushes the boundaries of logic, which is what we’re all about at EastEnders.

“Especially when combined with utterly bogus Jamaican patois like ‘Wa gwaan di batty bwoy bludclat?’, which is Yardie for ‘Leave it out, Phil’.”

Writers researched Beale’s new incarnation by playing Grand Theft Auto, which has some Yardie characters in it.

Viewer Donna Sheridan said: “EastEnders has always prided itself on being a socially relevant drama about working-class life, but then it chucks in some totally implausible bollocks like Tanya Branning attempting to bury her husband Max alive.

“Quite frankly one of the characters could be a giant chaffinch and it wouldn’t be any less realistic.”

Sources at the BBC revealed that EastEnders will continue to feature highly unlikely plotlines, including Ricky Butcher becoming a freelance neurosurgeon who performs operations in Dot Cotton’s kitchen.