A MAN who is not watching The Traitors is completely unable to understand his friends, colleagues and the world around him, it has emerged.
Nathan Muir is not currently glued to the BBC’s hit reality show, leaving him blindly stumbling through life like a second-class citizen excluded from normal, decent, Traitors-watching society.
He said: “I thought it was bad enough when I didn’t watch Normal People. But this is at least a million times worse.
“It’s the first thing my wife wants to talk about when we wake up, then when I get to work it’s all Faithfuls this and murder that. They’re all speaking in English, but their words sound like gibberish to me.
“Even something as familiar and reassuring as Claudia Winkleman and her flawless fringe now seem disturbing and alien. Have I stumbled into an actual uncanny valley? Will I ever have a meaningful interaction with another person ever again?
“Maybe I should cave to pressure and catch up on iPlayer. Then perhaps I’ll be able to make sense of this castle full of Dementors and understand why some guy called Paul is an absolute twat.”
Friend Nikki Hollis said: “If Nathan starts watching I’m switching off. Seeing people who don’t watch it slowly losing their sanity as they turn into social pariahs is the best part of the show.”
