Masterchef viewers divided over Greg Wallace copulating with food
VIEWERS are divided over the new Masterchef format, in which judge Greg Wallace assesses each dish after having sexual intercourse with it.
Tweaks to the latest series mean contestants’ puddings are now presented to expert grocer Wallace on a thick, bouncy mattress.
He then has his way with each of them in turn before giving comments on texture, warmth and filthiness, while John Torode looks on darkly and does sinister dry coughs.
Contestant Stephen Malley said: “When Greg said my raspberry torte tasted ‘laaaavely’ in a creepy, lascivious tone I was very pleased and assumed that that would, as had been usual in the previous series, be the full extent of his feedback.
“So you can imagine my horror when he began to undo his flies and clamber onto the mattress.
“Wallace went at that cake like a spaniel on a chair leg. Within seconds my beautifully-crafted dessert had been smashed into a thousand sweat-soaked pieces.
“Afterwards Greg sucked the bits of fruit out from under his fingernails, slowly and one at a time, chuckling and muttering something about ‘loving it, you flour-substituted little bitch’.
“Then John Torode helped himself to a forkful and said I’d really delivered some big flavours.”
He added: “On a show like Masterchef you expect to feel pressure, but not to feel soiled to the very core of your being.”
Masterchef viewer Nikki Hollis said: “The sight of Greg’s great big billiard-ball head bobbing up and down like some malevolent nodding dog has forever sullied the minds of my family.
“Having said that, we turned over to ITV2 to find OMG! With Peaches Geldof was under way. Which makes a cockney homunculus rutting with a cake seem like Dostoevsky.”