Masterchef viewers divided over Greg Wallace copulating with food

04-03-11

VIEWERS are divided over the new Masterchef format, in which judge Greg Wallace assesses each dish after having sexual intercourse with it.

If it’s gooey in the middle he can be there for a while

Tweaks to the latest series mean contestants’ puddings are now presented to Wallace on a thick, bouncy mattress.

He has his way with each of them in turn before giving comments on texture, warmth and filthiness, while John Torode looks on darkly and does sinister dry coughs.

Contestant Stephen Malley said: “When Greg said my raspberry torte tasted ‘laaaavely’ in a creepy, lascivious tone I was very pleased and assumed that would be the full extent of his feedback.

“So you can imagine my horror when he began to undo his flies.

“Wallace went at that cake like a spaniel on a chair leg. Within seconds my beautifully-crafted dessert had been smashed into a thousand sweat-soaked pieces.

“Afterwards Greg sucked the bits of fruit out from under his fingernails, slowly and one at a time, chuckling and muttering something about ‘loving it, you flour-substituted little bitch’.

“Then John Torode helped himself to a forkful and said I’d really delivered some big flavours.”

Masterchef viewer Nikki Hollis said: “The sight of Greg’s billiard-ball head bobbing up and down like some malevolent nodding dog has forever sullied my mind.

“Having said that, I turned over to ITV2 to find OMG! With Peaches Geldof was under way. Which makes a cockney homunculus rutting with a cake seem like Dostoevsky.”

 

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