The Mash spoils Star Wars: The Force Awakens

STAR Wars: The Force Awakens reveals that Luke Skywalker and R2-D2 were working for the Sith all along.

Han Solo, blasted from behind by the traitorous droid, turns his broken body round to whisper “You…” before dying.

New droid BB-8 reveals he is Artoo’s illegitimate son, conceived after a massive robot piss-up in the Mos Eisley cantina.

Traitor Luke Skywalker is also quite sleazy and offers ‘intimate mind massage’ to Stormtroopers’ vulnerable widows.

Rey is Luke’s daughter, who lives with her mum and anally retentive stepdad/arch villain Kylo Ren in a giant floating weapon/housing estate called the Kill-de-sac.

Finn is a Jedi who was raised by Wedge Antilles before being kidnapped by a Jawa disguised as Yoda.

The Millennium Falcon is destroyed with Chewbacca inside. It’s just horrible.

In the final scene, Kylo Ren removes his mask to reveal he has huge, googly eyes.

You’re welcome.