Watch The Handmaid's Tale and get back to us, DUP tells Britain

THE DUP has advised Britain to watch The Handmaid’s Tale as it pretty much explains where they are coming from.

The Democratic Unionist Party has recommended everyone watch the television series about a fundamentalist society in which women have no rights, power or freedom.

Leader Arlene Foster said: “Women being reduced to enslaved baby-making machines? Yes please.

“Although some aspects of the show’s God-bothering military dictatorship are a bit liberal for our tastes, it’s not a bad start.

“There’s quite a lot of nudity, but that’s fine if it is for educational purposes.”

Foster also advised Britain to watch a series of conspiracy videos on YouTube to explain their position on climate change.

The 1984 classic Footloose was also recommended, highlighting the party’s hope of eventually outlawing all music, dancing and fun.

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Family keeps congratulating itself on Facebook for some reason

MEMBERS of a family keep giving each other praise for basically just existing.

The Bishop family of Nuneaton spend an inordinate amount of time on Facebook telling each other they are incredible people.

Neighbour Julian Cook said: “Whenever I go on Facebook the Bishops are bigging each other up over some ordinary activity like buying a lawnmower or going swimming.

“I’m all for not taking loved ones for granted, but when you’re continually writing stuff like ‘My gorgeous wife has just made amazing sandwiches – again!!!’ it’s just a bit strange.

“If it’s not ‘So blessed to have such amazing, beautiful children!’ it’s things like ‘Congratulations to son Dave for C+ in art coursework. Teachers must have been impressed!’

“Yesterday Martin posted that it was ‘great to have such wonderful people around me on this special occasion’. They’d only gone to the pictures.”

Martin Bishop said: “As a family we like to acknowledge our achievements large and small, as my son did today when he posted the message, ‘Great-looking new lawnmower, Dad!’.

“We definitely don’t live in mortal terror of our crushing ordinariness.”

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