We get that f**king vinyl is back, says everyone

EVERYONE is now fully aware of vinyl’s resurgence and would prefer to hear no more about it, it has been confirmed.

As vinyl sales continued to climb, consumers said they got the message about eight years ago when news websites were averaging 6,294 ‘vinyl is back’ stories per month.

Mother-of-two Susan Traherne said: “Apparently vinyl has returned because people prefer the physicality of a thin black disc, and it sounds more organic, and they like the cover art.

“I have involuntarily absorbed that information from briefly glancing at several hundred articles and television news packages on the subject.

“However I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK.”

She added: “I actually like records but this topic is far less interesting than middle-aged male journalists think it is.”

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “I am happy for record shops, but I am equally happy to just assume that they exist and that records can be purchased from them.

“Please God nobody start buying Betamax videos again or we’ll have to spend the next five years hearing about that.”

Vinyl sales data shows that 98 per cent of records sold in the last year were by Paul Weller and Noel Gallagher, or are Taylor Swift picture discs purchased on Record Store Day to be immediately re-sold on eBay.

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Britain basks in weather that is slightly too cold to bask in

MILLIONS of people are spending time outside where they have pretended not to be slightly cold.

Office worker Emma Bradford sat in a local park where she discovered that it looks warmer than it is.

She said: “It’s so nice seeing the sun again. Although the breeze is surprisingly fresh and there are a couple of large clouds hovering around.

“I probably should have brought a jumper.”

Drinker Tom Logan had taken to his local pub garden: “This is glorious, or at least it was half an hour ago before the sun went in.

“Nobody wants to suggest going inside but everyone is thinking it. I’m not going to crack first, it’s a matter of pride.”

Meteorologist Nikki Hollis said: “When we say it’s hotter than Spain, bear in mind that Spain is actually not that hot at this time of year. In fact they would consider this to be miserable scarf weather.

“It’s fine though, if you don’t linger in it. Make sure to stay hydrated by drinking a normal amount of fluids.”

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