X Factor contestants being sold as meat
STRUGGLING music mogul Simon Cowell is hoping to bolster revenue by turning pop hopefuls into food.
As the X Factor’s ratings plummet, Cowell has invoked Clause 4,356,495 in the Contestant Agreement, stating that he owns ‘all their moving parts including flesh and innards’.
Last weekend’s evictee Kye Sones was the first contestant to emerge from the X Factor pop-meat processing plant as 200 ‘X Factor Talent-burgers’.
A SyCo spokesman said: “Just as we promised, Kye has left this competition completely transformed.
“If you thought he sounded good, he tastes unbelievable.”
X Factor meat products’ packaging is printed with the contestant’s heart-rending back story, as well as nutritional information.
In an effort to sustain SyCo revenue, hastily-organised mass auditions are being held around the country, with thousands of hopefuls queueing to be pushed into a vast, whirring grinder by Dermot O’Leary.
23-year-old auditionee Tom Logan said: “In a way it’s even better than being a pop star.
“When you’re a pie or burger, you literally become one with your fans and stay with them for the entire digestive process.”