Blair Tells Brown ‘I’m Getting The Friends’

TONY Blair has announced the timetable for the run-up to the declaration of the date by which he will reveal the time of the announcement of the confirmation of his final split from his long-term companion Gordon Brown.

An emotional Blair appealed for privacy over the coming weeks saying the break-up was just "one of those things" and that no one person was to blame, apart from Brown who was "as everyone knows, psychologically flawed".

Blair said the pair had already made a start on dividing the CD collection, but he warned Brown that he was taking all the friends, telling the Chancellor to “back off”.

He said: "Bush was always my friend not Gordon’s, I’ve told everyone they have got to choose, and I know they will all choose me. So I am keeping Berlusconi and Cliff Richard as well.

"If he really wants he can have that guy who runs Canada and General Musharraf."

That departure timetable in full:

May 10: Tell everyone I am leaving, and that it was my choice to go. No, it was.

May 20: Rip up all Gordon’s letters, sobbing gently. How could he do this to me?

May 29: Remove address books from Number 10. Those are MY friends’ phone numbers.

May 30: Remove diary from Number 10. If he wants to meet MY friends let him try and make his own arrangements. They won’t see him, I know.

June 17: Tell George W. about Gordon’s “dark side” and what I went through. Oh yes I may be laughing loud and hearty, but deep inside I am blue.

June 21: Just a few days to go, need to make sure everything is right for a smooth handover to Gordon. “Accidentally” pour coffee into Number 10 computer. Ha, ha, ha.

June 23: Remove curtains, light fittings, light bulbs, door handles, carpets, furniture and paintings. Don’t know why, it will be just like home for Gordon.

June 25: Remember to put stinky prawns inside the curtain rail in the lounge and under the floorboards in the master bedroom.

June 26: Make speech saying I am leaving the country in a safe pair of hands. Tell friends that Gordon is insane.

June 27: Handover. Time to make millions and millions and millions.