All junior doctors to retrain as brand managers

ALL 53,000 junior doctors are to retrain as corporate brand managers for the same pay and no working weekends. 

Doctors have responded to the imposition of a new contract by switching to vital roles like brand management, customer journey design, and clientside insight analysis. 

Ex-junior doctor Mary Fisher said: “I was earning £37,000 in hospital, but even before this new contract I knew I wanted to do something more important with my life. 

“Managing a brand is hard, but rewarding because you’re connecting consumers with great products that will enhance their lives. Things like Coca Cola, or an expensive toaster.

“I never have to see another old person naked, or sit up close to someone with a steaming cold. But the best part of being a brand manager is knowing I’m really making a difference.

“Because of me, someone might buy a thing.”

A government spokesman said: “This is great news. Brand managers are much more our kind of people.”