| BANK PROFITS PLUNGE FROM OBSCENE TO REPULSIVE |
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| 14-02-08 | |
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RECORD bad debts in the US home loan market will see bank profits fall from eye-poppingly obscene to unspeakably repulsive, City analysts warned last night.
Henry Brubaker, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "Millions of buck-toothed rednecks with no credit history and a disturbing fondness for Jack Daniels were allowed to borrow 40 times their non-existent wages to buy a burnt-out toilet in a crack alley. "'And for goodness sake don't worry about proof of earnings - we'll roll it all up into one big loan at a fantastic rate of 69.9% APR, which, trust me, is incredibly low for your sort of person'." He added: "This strategic anomaly has led to a short-term dip in profitability and created the impression that banks are somehow ordinary, everyday businesses. Aha ha ha. "The fact is, they control every aspect of your lives - often in ways you dare not imagine - and could, if the notion takes them, snap you in half like a dry twig." Get the latest Daily Mash book, Everyone Dead by Teatime Go here: thedailymash.co.uk/everyonedead |