RECORD bad debts in the US home loan market will see bank profits fall from eye-poppingly obscene to unspeakably repulsive, City analysts warned last night.

How banks see you

Henry Brubaker, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "Millions of buck-toothed rednecks with no credit history and a disturbing fondness for Jack Daniels were allowed to borrow 40 times their non-existent wages to buy a burnt-out toilet in a crack alley.

"Banks, being the cautious types they are, said 'no problemo, and while you're at it, get yourself a Chevy Trailblazer and a big screen TV for watching WrestleMania, you odious waste of semen'.

"'And for goodness sake don't worry about proof of earnings - we'll roll it all up into one big loan at a fantastic rate of 69.9% APR, which, trust me, is incredibly low for your sort of person'."

He added: "This strategic anomaly has led to a short-term dip in profitability and created the impression that banks are somehow ordinary, everyday businesses. Aha ha ha.

"The fact is, they control every aspect of your lives - often in ways you dare not imagine - and could, if the notion takes them, snap you in half like a dry twig."

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