the dailymash

As Kraft launched a £10bn bid for Cadbury and GDP rose slightly, the corporation's business editor was strapped to a trolley and taken to a garage in Deptford where he will be broken down into his 498 constituent parts, which will then be scrubbed with sandpaper and covered in grease.

A spokesman said: "Business news is only interesting when it's absolutely terrifying. Once things start to return to their normal levels of tedium there's really no need for a large, complicated Peston.

"It will also give us a chance to make some essential modifications so that by the time of the next recession in April 2014 we can wheel out a fully upgraded Peston but without such an unbelievably annoying voice."

Engineers have already removed the arms, knees and feet and are expected to begin unscrewing the buttocks later today.

Bill McKay, the corporation's chief dismantler, said: "The buttocks are always the hardest part. They get all gummed up so you need to get right in there with some turps and a chisel.

"The head, on the other hand, is a doddle. It's attached to his neck by a couple of brass clips and just pops right off."

He added: "We'll number all the different parts and store them in a vast warehouse where we keep what's left of Keith Chegwin and Lesley Judd."