Blair Sets Great Example To Children Who Want To Kill People

16-08-10

TONY BLAIR was today hailed as a role model for children who want to kill thousands of people when they grow up.

He will never stop laughing at you

In a move described as both inspirational and typical, the former prime minister pledged the £4.6m advance from his novel to the victims of his shabby dishonesty and obsession with remote control violence.

Announcing his donation, Mr Blair said: “Young people need to learn that starting a war is only justifiable if you can also get someone to ghost-write a dreary book for you and then hand over all the cash you get from some fuckwit publisher.

“Leadership teaches us that as long as you are willing to donate a reasonable sum of money at some indeterminate point in the future then you are entitled to regard soldiers and the civilian populations they terrorise as little more than numbers on a page.”

Mr Blair also thanked the financial institutions and oil companies who pay him enough money to make multi-million pound publishing deals virtually irrelevant in terms of his day to day budgeting.

He added: “Without them I’d have had to get Alistair Campbell to fill this book with some of his low grade porn so I could shift enough copies to keep my wife in the goat’s blood and chicken heads to which she has become accustomed.”

And Mr Blair admitted that now he had finally sponged down his moral slate he was keen to return to high profile acts of unspeakable wickedness as soon as possible.

“I don’t have an army any more so I can’t just lay waste to some third world hell-hole and then say that Jesus made me do it.

“I suppose I could always just kick a duckling right in the face.”

The former PM also said his donation to the families of the tens of thousands of Iraqis that he killed over the phone had not yet been finalised, but would probably be in the region of precisely fuck all.

 

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