BP Execs Look At Massive Oil Slick, Then At Each Other

01-06-10

BP executives are today standing on the Louisiana shoreline, looking at each other with furrowed brows and occasionally skimming a pebble across the oily water, it has been confirmed.

Still nothing

The small group of men, three of whom have their hands on their hips, have so far been unable to find a solution to the enormous environmental calamity that is basically their fault, despite having stared at it for hours.

Sources have suggested they may now be displaying the early signs of getting a bit pissed off with each other.

Earlier in the day, while feigning an intense interest in his left foot, operations director Stephen Malley said, only half-jokingly: “What if we get a shit-load of blue dye? Then at least it would look better.”

BP deputy managing director Tom Logan did not even bother to comment on Malley’s suggestion, but just exhaled loudly, and then dragged his hands down his face while muttering something about ‘pricks’.

Roy Hobbs, the company’s chief engineer, then took off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves in a decisive manner, before squatting on his haunches and drawing a rudimentary house in the sand, before adding a chimney stack and a whisp of smoke.

And about 20 minutes later, after what seemed like an eternity of awkward silence, BP’s head of communications, Joseph Turner, crossed his arms, rocked back on his heels, blew some air out of his cheeks and said: “Nightmare.”

Turner then looked at Roy Hobbs and raised his eyebrows before noticing for the first time that Hobbs has freckles.

Meanwhile corporate affairs manager Bill McKay made a self-consciously thoughtful face, which he had been practising until 3am the night before, and wondered whether he should suggest calling his neighbour’s brother-in-law Raymond, who is one of those people who can fix pretty much anything.

But despite being fairly confident that Raymond would have a decent crack at it, McKay decided to keep his mouth shut for the time being and instead offered around a packet of poor quality American sweets.

The situation is expected to continue until either someone comes up with something or they all go for a pizza.

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